Motivation

I have no motivation to write here. I feel like everyone who reads it already knows my thoughts on the things about which I write. In order to form a more perfect union, I discuss these things with you the people. It’s like I just sit here repeating myself, which I do enough in everyday conversation. I mean, not only do I repeat myself a lot, but I also have the same eight 15-second conversations with customers all day.

So now what? Where do we go from here? I guess I’m supposed to answer that. But I can’t. I can’t because I don’t know. People expect me to know everything, but I don’t. Just being honest – there are things I don’t know, as well as things I know and don’t understand.

So here’s my consideration and the questions that I really want you to answer. First of all, does anyone ever read this? I mean, whether you visit or just have me in your reader, do you read it? If you do visit, you really should just use a reader. It’ll change your life. Secondly, what if I primarily reposted things? I’ve noticed that lately I’ve been posting videos, pictures, articles, etc on facebook almost every day. And I have things to say about them a lot of times. So why not? These are things that I don’t talk about you, the people whom I suspect read this. I haven’t told you what I think of the current conflict in Georgia (the country, not the state)? What are my feelings on the Olympics this year? Am I Iron Man? What do I think should (and will, which are different things) come from the animal cruelty suit brought against pig farmers in NC? Would anyone care?

So I’d really appreciate your feedback. Seriously. This isn’t about me. It’s about us, so I can’t answer this on my own.

Scone on at the Scone Off

For real. I’m pumped about Scone Off.

I’ve been a terrible blogger.

I know, I know.
But I feel like in a lot of ways this is a way for me to get my thoughts out and communicate with people. A non-threatening way. And as I get more of that in real life, this becomes harder. Sorry.

A Poem

Yeah, I don’t know. I just felt like posting a poem. I wrote it this morning. Here it is.

If I
never told you

how I felt,

then I’m sorry.

I never actually
even
told myself.

There was a part
of me
that always knew,

but another part
that denied it

and thought the first part
was just

crazy.

Living Biblically

If you know me at all, you know that I love books, and as such bookstores. While I generally try to support independent bookstores, I often end up in Borders, especially if I’m only browsing. Such was the case a few days ago.

I was walking around, perusing magazines (primarily music magazines) and newspapers, as well as the books showcased near the magazines. One of these books jumped out at me because of the title. I wasn’t familiar with the author, but the title was Living Biblically. Obviously this book interested me. I mean, it’s something that I strive to do every second of every day*.

So a book about living by the good book sounds like a great book**. I mean, there are tons of them, but not so many that there can never be another. Plus it didn’t look like it was uptight or anything, which is always nice. As a matter of fact, it looked like the author had a good sense of humor. That’s key.

So I pick up the book and skim the blurb. The author set out to live by every command in the Bible for one year. Not just the 10 Commandments, or the ones in the New Testament, or anything like that. Every commandment. Shellfish? No way. Mixed fabric clothing? Not a chance. Unclean? You bet you are.

This isn’t a book about how to live by the Bible at all. It’s written neither by nor for Christians. This book is a recollection of a manmade righteousness set up as the most elaborate, yet saddest, joke ever.

But the book got me thinking about a few things.

First of all, this man’s self-righteousness is sad, but he was making a joke of it. At least he didn’t think he was going to be saved because of it.

Romans 2:28-29
For no one is a Jew who is merely one outwardly, nor is circumcision outward and physical. But a Jew is one inwardly, and circumcision is a matter of the heart, by the Spirit, not by the letter. His praise is not from man but from God.

Here Paul is talking to Jews who believe that they are saved by following the law outwardly. I think the verses pretty much speak for themselves. All of Romans 2 is a discussion of this. It’s outward righteousness that is somehow seen as what honors God. Even the Jews, holding to only the Old Testament, knew that it was the heart, not the actions, that God really judged a person by. I mean, repeatedly in the prophets God rebukes the people for giving him sacrifices out of the wrong attitude, for following the law technically, but not doing so with the right heart (which always leads to full on unrighteousness), and so on.

My second thought on the book was about Jesus (what a concept – thinking about Jesus)

John 5:37b-40
“His voice you have never heard, his form you have never seen, and you do not have his word abiding in you, for you do not believe the one whom he has sent. You search the Scriptures because you think that in them you have eternal life; and it is they that bear witness about me, yet you refuse to come to me that you may have life.”

Matthew 23:23
“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you tithe mint and dill and cumin, and have neglected the weightier matters of the law: justice and mercy and faithfulness. These you ought to have done, without neglecting the others.”

Both of these passages are Jesus talking to the Pharisees. The Pharisees were a very religious group. But Jesus was not impressed. Jesus basically looked at them and said repeatedly, “Listen guys, you think you’re so smart and you’ve got this all figured out. But you’ve got nothing. You do all these little things, but you’ve missed the big picture entirely. You follow all the rules, but you don’t understand why. You don’t love God. You don’t love people. I don’t need you or your self-righteousness.”

This is a lot how Jesus would’ve viewed this guy I think. The guy was doing all the things, but not loving God or loving people. Imagine how long he had to spend reading the Bible to figure out all the commandments. He probably had to read it all the way through at least 4 or 5 times. And yet he missed out on the main theme: Jesus. He didn’t get that the Bible was written not so that you knew what you had to do and not do in order to get to Heaven, but to tell us how God worked in the world and therefore bring glory to God.

And the final point that I want to make (which was the first point that came to my mind when I saw the book) comes out of the previous. Homedude was following all of the commandments. Every single one of them. But it seems to me that he was at least missing a few (after all, we’ve all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God – Romans 3:23). If only there was one really big one, an overarching commandment, that he completely skipped. Oh yeah –

Mark 12:28-30
And one of the scribes came up and heard them disputing with one another, and seeing that he answered them well, asked him, Which commandment is the most important of all? Jesus answered, The most important is, Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.”

I don’t know about the second, but I definitely think he fell short on the first. I mean, he can say what he wants, but if he was really following all of the commandments and loving God with all his heart, soul, mind, and strength, he wouldn’t be making fun of him or his commands (not to mention that by making fun of God he was breaking a command anyway). If you’re going to break only one command, don’t let it be THE command.

I think that living Biblically is a great idea. I know that none of us are at the point of perfection yet. When pastors are pretentious about it and say things like, “Why I even sinned once this week,” I want to get up and punch them. Of which I repent, eventually. It’s ok to admit that you sin. It’s ok to admit that you struggle. But every day we need to do our best to obey God. This is not because we are trying to earn anything, but because we love him and obedience is the natural outflow of that love. Jesus paid it all. We don’t need to earn it. Which is good, because we’re all deprave. However, we all need to do the best that we can to truly live biblically.

I’m praying for you. Pray for me too.

*More correctly stated, it’s something that I should try to do every second of every day. Unfortunately, it’s not always the case. And I’d like to blame circumstances and other people, but it’s all my fault. Stupid depravity.

**My use here of the term great book in no way implies that it is better than the proverbial good book, which is the best book of them all, and really not even in the same category as any other book.

You Just Know.

Yes, it’s been a while, and this is all I’m posting. I’ve started a few posts, but not finished them. One I have saved as a draft. I move to a new house on Capitol Hill Saturday, so maybe that’ll help somehow.

Dear Mary from I Survived a Japanese Game Show,

They tell me that when the time comes you just know. There’s no more explanation. You just know. Therefore, you need to marry me.

-Jem

[for those of you who missed the premier of I Survived a Japanese Game Show, click here. I normally don't watch reality TV, or even much TV, but I'm glad I did tonight.]

Bad Leaders

i’m watching Lewis Black on Comedy Central. He mentioned that he doesn’t think George W. Bush is a good leader. I was much more shocked when he also said that Bill Clinton is a terrible leader. His reason? Neither one took responsibility for their actions, whether that action was an affair or a war.

Thoughts?

I’m online???

Yes, I’m online. On my computer. At home. Crazy.

I feel like I should have a lot to say. But I really don’t.

We got new espresso machines at Starbucks. They’re pretty much amazing.

I’m trying to start reading the newspaper again. Seattle really doesn’t have a local paper that can compare to the Patriot News. Say what you want – the Patriot is a great local paper.

Today I got on the bus to come home and I accidentally bumped this guy a little bit on my way back the aisle. No big deal, right? Then he kicks me and screams at me that I need to watch where I’m going. I keep walking. He takes a swing at me and grazes my back. Definitely an experience. It reminded me of when that lady on the metro kicked me.

So I watched half of Charlie Rose today, and he was talking to people from Interview Magazine. Interview was started by Andy Warhol. Warhol would be turning 80 this year. They were saying that he’s every bit as present now as he was when he was alive, except that no one runs into him at parties. I think the same can be said about Kurt Vonnegut. So it goes. I think I’d also so that about Johnny Cash. But that got me thinking: in 40 years, who will we be saying that about? I don’t know. Any thoughts?

Umm yeah

Thursday.5 June.2008
9:38 pm PDT | 12:38 am EDT | 5:38 am GMT

So I had the day off today.

Sometimes when I say that people are like, “Wow, what’s that like?” So let me put it this way: if every day were like today, I’d probably get 3 more jobs just so I didn’t have days off.

I feel odd saying that. I mean, today was BAD. It was frustrating. Every time I think I figure out what’s going on, I get more confused. Remember that old Supertones song where he was like, “Everything I touch just falls to pieces. Everyone I try to help just falls.”? Yeah. Funny that I should mention the Supertones, because last night I was walking around singing Supertones Strike Back. How odd.

I don’t know what’s going on with my living situation. It seems like if I trust God enough to quit a job where everything is taken care of (the job at the church) I’d trust God enough to take care of this. But hey. I’m Abrahaming it again. Umm…she’s my, uh, sister. Yeah, my sister. Not my wife or anything. I leave the land. But then I try to do things on my own. It’s been a long frustrating day.

I met with Will from Mars Hill today. I like him. Then again, he’s going to start reading this, so I have to say that. But I really do. Otherwise I’d say nothing. He told me about a community group that I was going to check out this evening, but then today was just so frustrating that I came home. I guess though that it was a step along the path to one of goal 6: get more involved in a church.

Speaking of my goals, I almost accomplished goal 5 today: take a chance with a girl. Instead I decided to accomplish goal 8: don’t be an idiot. Since I don’t know the girl, it was an either/or. I mean, who knows what awful things I might find out about her if we went out? She might not like Pavement. She might chew gum. She might read NME. She might prefer Briefer History of Time to Brief History of Time (the more Stephen Hawking the better).
Or maybe even something that is actually important, instead of some little stupid thing that I’d say. You know: something like maybe she doesn’t love Jesus.
But seriously, I was as close to asking her out as I’ve ever came to asking out a random girl. I don’t even know what it is about her. It might even be nothing.

I’ve been listening to Violent Femmes tonight. Do you know which VF song I don’t have? Blister in the Sun. I mean, I guess a lot of people would guess that just because they don’t know any others(1). But it’s just odd to me. Say what you want – one of the best punk bands ever. They confuse me lyrically, though – I mean, google the lyrics to their song Jesus Walking on the Water or Rejoice and Be Glad.

I got to cross almost nothing off my to do list tonight. That’s frustrating. I have no sense of accomplishment right now.

Oh, I bought a new book today. After all, I had a 20% off coupon for Borders. Anyway, my new book is called The Quantum World: Quantum Physics for Everyone. I love physics. It reminds me that none of us have it all figured out. God’s way bigger and smarter than all of us. From the looks of things, he goes into things like entanglement, that I totally dig. Man, I’d love to understand how entanglement works. But I do think it’s how the Tralfamadorians sent a message to Salo so quickly. That is a reference to The Sirens of Titan by Kurt Vonnegut, which I just finished today.

Oh, my sister called me today to ask me when is a good time for her to visit me. That’s super exciting. She graduates HS on Saturday, so I figure she should come to Seattle sometime between now and when she starts school in August. And it looks like it will indeed happen. This paragraph and the above start the same. That bothers me just a little bit.

There’s not much point to this post. I just needed to get some things off my chest. Sorry.

I forgot something else today. I was waiting to meet someone by the Pike Place Market. Some LaRouche people were tabling at the corner. I think that link is right. First I saw this guy totally GO OFF on one of them. And they made fun of him. They aren’t the best at what they do.
Anyway, he then approached me. I’m familiar with them, so I declined the literature. He began lecturing me and asking how I knew what was truth in the presidential election. I was like, “Are you asking me to explain my full epistemology to you here on the street corner?” He said yes, but then just kept talking.
We debated briefly. By briefly I mean like 5 minutes. This might not seem brief, but one day I had a debate with one of them for over half an hour. I knew I had to go then, seeing as I was on my cell phone using my minutes.
He all but called me a fascist. Had he actually used the F-word, I think i would’ve punched him. Why was I a fascist? Because I’m against some group of people? No. Did it have to do with the WTO? Not at all. How about the UN? Not really.
No, I’m a fascist because I believe in the neo-Malthusian(2) doctrine of global warming. You see, global warming was invented by Al Gore as a way of convincing Americans to convert food into ethanol in an attempt to starve the poorest 2/3 of the world’s people.
Yeah. Wow.

This time I’m done. For real.

(1) I’m not implying that Violent Femmes were some uber underground band. I’m more saying that they’re a bit of a one hit wonder. However, unlike most one hit wonders they were amazing.
(2) I know neo-Malthusian seems like an exaggeration, but this is the exact term that they use.

1036 PM

I think my guacamole was spoiled. It was old. And it was a much darker green. Not cool.

6 June 08 1225 AM…so I guess technically 7 June 08

Naps are great. But in the future I’ll probably refrain from taking them at 845 PM.

In unrelated news, I’m out of brie.

The commonality between these things is that both are unfortunate.

8 June
1036 PM

So tonight when I got home from church my roommate told me that he got the internet. So I should be posting this tonight and internetting it more. Hooray. Hooray. Hoor-wha wha?

Anyway. So church tonight. First of all, I was on time. This is two weeks in a row. That’s pretty amazing if you ask me. But I was late for work this morning, which makes up for it. Stupid bus schedules being different on Sunday.

But what I was really going to say about church. Tonight was great. Not because of any part of the service(1), but instead what happened after. One guy whom I’d walked past earlier and we’d been like, “hey.” came up and was talking to me. And he started introducing me to people. And I stood/sat around and talked. I had serious conversations. It was great. I’m thinking about trying that thing they keep saying about. What’s it called? Oh yeah – community. What a concept. Anyway, I talked in the foyer area for a while, and then we went outside and talked. Then Tim and Dave offered me a ride home (even though it was super out of their way). And when I finally got home it was like 930. So apparently we were standing around talking a lot more than I realized. It was/is good/important, though.

Speaking of community, Jon (the first guy that I met) invited me to come to community group with him on Tuesday. I’m going to check it out. If you remember me mentioning Colin, the guy I met my first week, it’s at his house.

That ride home was the first time I’ve been in a car that was not a cab since I moved to Seattle. It’s been buses and foot traffic, because that’s how we roll here in the Emerald City.

In stuff not directly related to church, please yell at me and tell me to get to work on the Bread Alone book.

Sorry if this seems scattered – my attention span is shot right now.

(1)This isn’t to imply that the service wasn’t good. It was. I especially liked the band that led worship tonight. Hooray anthropocentrism.

1123 PM

I need some kind of username and password or such to get online. Boo.

9 June
1005 PM

I got to the bus stop. I reach in my bag to get my wallet to get my bus pass. Do you know what I didn’t find in my bag? My wallet. I must have put it in my sweater or sweatshirt pocket. No wallet there. Pants pocket? No wallet. I check my bag again. Still no wallet.

When did I have it last? Oh, I know: it was over by 2nd and Madison when I gave those homeless guys money. I almost didn’t, but today was tip day, so I had it. I had my wallet then. And I don’t have it now that I’m at the bus stop.

I’ll retrace my steps. Third street, down to Union. Right on Union. Left on 2nd. All the way down to Cherry, even though I know I had it back at Madison. Nothing. Nothing. I’m not sure where I cross, so I walk back on the other side of the street at places. I kick up piles of leaves, hoping one of them will be hiding my wallet. They aren’t concerned about my wallet. So I walk and I look and I pray.

I’ve been praying. We’ve been through this one before, God. This is that thing you do to remind me that it’s yours, not mine. And I know that. But I can’t give too much away right now: if I give a lot to the homeless people right now, I’ll be one of them. I mean, I went 7 weeks with no paycheck. I’m now on week 9. I’ve gotten one paycheck. It was only for 1 week. I’ve paid 1 1/2 months rent, plus security deposit. I moved cross country. I spent 6 nights at a hostel before I found a place. I ate. I’m back to painting again.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m ok. But I have to be wise. I’m learning a lot about being a good steward lately. I haven’t bought a guitar here yet. I don’t have a coffee grinder. I don’t have all that many colors of paint. Truth be told, I’ve been shopping at K-Mart. Please don’t judge me.

But back to the story: I get almost back to my bus stop. I’m walking past a stop, and the 358 is there. I don’t feel like waiting on another, and I already checked this stretch once, so I look in my bag. There’s a dollar from a five that I broke today. I was in a hurry to get back to work, so I just dropped the change in my bag. I also found two quarters in the bottom. I get on the bus. As we drive past the other stop, I’m carefully looking out the window.

THERE. THAT. It’s my wallet. I saw it. It fell out while I was looking for it. I can’t believe I missed it. I pull the cord for the next stop. On my way off, I get a transfer since I told the driver I didn’t need one as I got on. She gives me one, no problem.

I walk (almost run) back to the bus stop to get my wallet. There are a lot of people at the stop, but I work my way through. I get over to my wallet. I look down. That’s not my wallet. It’s a coffee cup sleeve. I begin to exchange with God the standard rhetoric about how it’s all his and not mine. While totally true, God demands more than rhetoric.

So the 5 shows up. I use my transfer to get on the 5. I take a sideways facing seat about halfway back with an older gentleman, who doesn’t look too crazy. We sit there. He’s on my left. I look to my right at the front facing seat. There sits one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen. Good golly, Miss Molly(1).

Suddenly, it occurs to me: this isn’t that big of a deal. It’s just money. I’m going to be fine. Today was tip day. If I needed to, I could live for 2 weeks on just my tips, no problem. And that’s if I had no food in the house. I have some money. I’m going to be ok. Money isn’t what matters. A God who can create that isn’t tied down by little things like where my credit cards are. Or my insurance card. Though I really wish I hadn’t lost all those frequent coffee drinker cards or my bus pass.

After all, God is even better than a pretty girl (2).

I can’t say that the whole thing started with the best motives…no, wait – that sounds bad. Let’s try that again. I can’t say that I was thinking totally theocentrically from the beginning, but at least I learned something, right?

Oh, then I got home and called and cancelled all my cards except one of that I don’t have a number for. But that’s the boring part of the story.

Like water on the dry wood, equal parts misguided and misunderstood. The whole neighborhood watching fires burn from where we stood. The smoke said, “We’re not half as bad as God is good.” There’s a whisper in my ear – the voice of loneliness and fear. And I say, “Devil, disappear!” -mewithoutyou

(1) Simply because of this, I really hope that Dave and/or Liz read this.

(2) I should get a poster made that says this and hang it up somewhere that I’ll see it a lot. If I remembered this, it would save me a lot of trouble.

11June
824 PM

So if you are on the West Coast, the Daily Show comes on at 8pm. That means you can watch it, even if you have to get up at 545. Hoorah.

I say hey, what’s going on? This is.

(written the evening of Tuesday, 3 Jun 08…I hate when it converts stuff to smileys)

Man. It’s been a crazy last few weeks, just with working and getting adjusted and everything.

I’ve been spending a lot less time by the waterfront just staring at the water. I guess having a job is probably part of that. And it’s been a little cold, which is obviously the way that the weather is supposed to head in the winter. But hopefully I’ll be getting back there soon. Perhaps tomorrow or Thursday (Thursday being two days away and also being the day I plan to post this).

I have a house. It’s a 45 minute commute to work/downtown, though. We’ll see.

Starbucks is going pretty good. It’s a big adjustment from the HBG. I mean that in terms of busy-ness, but also simply in the way that things are done. I do really appreciate Seattle coffee culture, though. Speaking of which, I forget what I was going to say after the words, “speaking of which.” True story.

I’ve been drinking a lot of tea lately. I blame that at least partially on the fact that I had a doppio a few days ago and now my ulcer is not terribly happy. Tea is much nicer on it than coffee.

I downloaded plenty of music on eMusic today. Included is the newest Minus the Bear, a Waylon Jennings album, a Waylon Jennings tribute album (I was in a Waylon mood today), Cursive live at Lolapalooza 2006, and the song Match Box by Carl Perkins. Actually, not just limited to that. I think that’s everything.

I’m almost finished with The Sirens of TItan by Kurt Vonnegut. By the time I post this I should be done. When I finish it I’ll be starting Cat’s Cradle. So I’ll have read his first book (Player Piano) followed by the book that “first captured America’s attention” (TSOT) followed by the book that “established him as ‘a true artist’” (CC) consecutively. Those quotes are both from the bio on the jacket of the Dial Press editions of his books.

Today I went to a coffee shop to find a man and women way overdressed. We’re talking like wedding dressed. Christy, the barista, later said that they were getting wedding pictures taken there. As I understood, they live right above. Christy mentioned the bravery involved in drinking coffee in your wedding dress. Indeed indeed. One of the many great reasons to wear black. My latte had a heart on top, by the way. I’m quite impressed by coffee art. Espresso is an amazing thing in general.
I want to get a shirt that says, “Espresso is escellent.”

I’m kinda going from art store to art store buying paint stuff on sale. But cash is tight, so I’m cutting back on that for a while. I didn’t bring any of my stuff with me, so I need to re-stock.

I’ve been pretty productive the last few days. Which is good, because I have a lot that I need to get done.

I’m learning German. I just started.

There are a ton of dogs in Seattle. It’s crazy. But I think dogs are great, so it’s all good. Sometimes I ask random people if I can pet their dogs.

So on my goals list I had a goal that was something to the effect of, “Take a chance on a girl.” I need to know something about the girl, right? Because sometimes I want to ask out a girl that I don’t really know anything about. I mean, I need to get a little more used to living in Seattle first, but it’s been on my mind a lot the past few days…
This paragraph is to be read in both the most specific and the most vague terms possible.

There’s TV at my house. That’s more than a little weird.

Did you ever hear Mark Driscoll talk about Naughty Coffee? I think there might be one near my house. It’s called Chica Latte. It’s not all glass like he said, but it seems like it could be. Anyway, there was just one of those news things where they give you a preview of an upcoming story on, and they just had a clip in one and said that there is a law that might require them to cover up. Good.

Check out the new Neil Young album. Really good. Why don’t you grow a pair and walk like a man?

::edit 1123 PM::

cut a nice thick slice of potato bread from Pike Place Bakery (day old = only $1.50!)
add a nice layer of diced tomatoes
put it in the oven at about 225 just long enough for it to get warm and the day old bread to get soft
add slices of double cream brie on top
smile and enjoy

delicious.

::edit 851 pm 4 Jun::

I just painted for the first time since moving. My hands are covered in paint. I have a piece of canvas paper with a rather cool background (but not what I was going for at all).

Oh sweet catharsis.

::edit 1054 pm::

So they make this rather expensive soap that is specially designed to take paint off your hands. They also make soap that is made with vegetables and minerals and no animals. Turns out it will strip the paint straight off your hands. And it’s like $1 instead of like $4 for a bar. No contest.